The Well Being of Gossip

An incident concerning gossip reared its ugly head during a family vacation. We had Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Sisters, Brothers, Uncles, Aunts, and siblings all in one place. I awoke one morning, looking out over the beach, sun shining, the smell of coffee brewing; I thought what a wonderful day. Walking into the kitchen - breakfast area, I am gathering my wits, pouring a cup of coffee, sharing a hello, a smile with the eldest leader of our group. The facial expression I witnessed in return was that of a scowl. An angry bad-tempered face, I was wondering, oh lord, whose Wheaties have I soiled? My 59-year-old half-sister had expressed her displeasure with my 20-year-old daughter. I got an ear full of someone saying something, and my daughter repeated this tittle-tattle to the target of the gossip. Yep, an aunt had gossiped about a niece's fiancé. This discontent between other family members was now my daughter's fault, and she needed to apologize. Gossip had gone a full circle. Upon taking my berating, I was reminded of a pirate’s tee-shirt, "all beatings will continue until morale improves." Calmly, I asked a few questions. "Where did my daughter hear this gossip?" Her grandmother was the reply. Where did grandmother hear this gossip, "the half-sister who had expressed her displeasure," he said. I suggested those who start gossip should reconsider the mean things they say about others in the family. I asked if there was an issue, why did the stepsister not come to me, if this was such a big deal? Gossiping, according to Mark Leary, Ph.D. neuroscientist with Duke University, explains this way: "Gossiping is a fundamental human instinct because our lives are deeply rooted in tribalism." Gossiping, it seems, is older than the mountains and as deep as the ocean. One can learn about others by the way they gossip, and we understand their beliefs and mannerisms. There can be some significant benefits to talking about others. Gossip can be used to ostracize the untrustworthy, and once excluded, they might improve their behavior. However, where there is good, there is evil. Sometimes ostracizing family members or members of a group creates pain and suffering. I believe those who inflict pain and suffering through gossip carry a narcissist, almost psychopathic trait that is detrimental to the group. How can we elude the drama and discontent? 

 Let it Go – "Whoever would foster love covers an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates friends." Proverbs 17:9 

 1. Matthew 7:1 'Do not judge, or you will be judged.' Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? If you know those who make big deals out of minor problems, you will forever drown in drama every time there is a minor disagreement. 

 2. Don't recruit a gang. – Mathew 18:15 If your brother sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. My stepsister did not choose the path of just talking to my daughter, and she decided to pour fuel on the fire, riling up her father, my mother; she chose to blame my daughter, taking no blame upon herself. The offended were now involved, aunts, nieces, nephews, uncles, grandmothers, and grandfathers, all blaming a 20-year-old with a third of life's experiences. 

 3. Stop pouring gasoline on the fire – Proverbs 26:30-21 Without wood, a fire dies out. Without gossip, a quarrel dies down. As charcoal embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome person for kindling strife.

 4. Best advice – Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what helps build up others, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 

 Drama can eat you alive, so best to just "Let it go." It took me about ten months to let it go. I let this nonsense consume me. Forgiveness is just about the most challenging behavior a human being can make actionable. I felt I had to do all the forgiveness work and saw no actionable attempt from my stepsister. I tried to talk to her, which ended in an argument. I found this most disappointing for both of us. That said, I am thankful I could finally let it go, my forgiveness complete. My daughter learned a valuable lesson. Recognize hurtful gossip, be polite, change the subject or tell your loved one you are not interested in gossip. 

Note: The art of well-being as it pertains to gossiping does not apply to toxic relationships. These relationships deserve an escape to safety. We are talking about how to stop minor issues from turning into family divides.